January 12, 2012
People I Wanted at My Holiday Gathering
Delta Tau Delta
The holidays are always a toss-up as far as entertainment value goes.
Of course, there will be buzzed Uncle Steve making his way around the room before Christmas dinner cracking jokes for all his nieces and nephews that are borderline age appropriate.
Then there is sweet little Grandma stressing over not having enough pie to go around for the entire family in attendance.
Finally, there’s the goofy cousin that gives us all a confidence booster, curled up in some dark corner playing Pokemon at the age of 17 on his Nintendo DS that he demanded as an early present that afternoon.
With all the quirks, you have been putting up for the same gag reel for your whole life and the scenery has not changed much. It would be incredibly nice to overhaul your average holiday gathering to something completely unoriginal but incredibly awesome.
We will call it Sam’s 2011 Christmas Dinner Fantasy Draft, and the Kearney Fightin’ Sams are on the clock with the first overall pick.
Pick one: Paula Deen.
We can all agree that everyone’s granny is adorable. However, how awesome would it be to have an uproarious southern woman cooking up soul food with a delightfully tacky hint of twang? The Food Network's golden girl would not only whip up a mean dinner, but she would deliver it in a way to kick off the gathering’s festivities the right way.
Pick two: Charlie Sheen
Let's admit it, we usually have a dysfunctional branch of the family tree. Dysfunctionality gives way to hilarity nine times out of ten for all spectators, so who better to rock a dinner party than the biggest #winner of our generation? We could rely on Charlie to fill the role of the unreasonably wealthy uncle who somehow seems to bring new interchangeable 20-somethings to the dinner table. This pick could be considered a steal for entertainment value, but detrimental to a dinner party for a number of reasons. Classic risk-reward scenario, so choose wisely.
Pick three: Wilford Brimley
Some Odyssey readers may be unfamiliar with ol’ grandpa Brimley. Ever see one of those Liberty Medical commercials where a grey-haired mustachioed old man wanders around a cabin in some kind of sweater vest warning about how you will “catch the diabetes?” Yeah, it’s that guy. Wilford will create the perfect awkward environment for everyone to listen in on in his conversation with your cousin Ashley’s long-time boyfriend at his first family dinner. As a former actor, rancher, Howard Hughes bodyguard, and good friend of Robert Duval, this can make for some very intriguing fireside storytelling.
Pick four: Justin Beiber
Let's be honest- we all like to be the bully at a family gathering every once in a while. The Beibs would be a Godsend as a target to unleash all of your first semester frustrations upon. From poking fun at his haircut, being shorter than his girlfriend, and not being allowed at the adult table, which he was eligible for a good five years ago, there could be nothing better to bring this kid on the brink of tears for personal enjoyment.
Pick five: Mila Kunis
Tired of getting the usual question of “how were classes this semester?” or the condescending “staying out of trouble?” interviews from family? Bring Mila to dinner and leave the entire family speechless. This date brings about a whole new ballgame in terms of the average holiday dinner. Attention of every family member will shift entirely in your direction and turn conversation from “seeing any girls in college?” to “how did you pull this one off?” The most important part, Mila Kunis is your girlfriend.
Samuel is a sophomore studying journalism. You may contact him at firstname.lastname@example.org.