CP Winter Class: A Snowgasmic Disaster

Matt Arnstine
Sigma Phi Epsilon

Over winter break, once I return from my annual pilgrimage to the glorious Jewish Old People Paradise a.k.a. Boca Raton to see the Grandparents, I will be returning to Baltimore Avenue for winter classes. Now, there are few similarities between Boca and Baltimore Ave, with the only one I can think of being some good ole Fro Yo. Yet, since I don’t believe I’ll be hitting up Yogi with the Maryland winter being in full force, I’ll be in for a stark contrast between Boca and CP.

Now, while I thoroughly enjoy my beloved College Park, I don’t know whether trekking across campus will be as enjoyable if there aren’t enough people for me to stare at behind the anonymity of aviator sunglasses. Even with the added bonus of being able to wear scarves on a daily basis, going to class in January isn’t the way any student wants to spend the last three weeks of winter break. Dodging cars while crossing Route One won’t be as gratifying without as many of my fellow Greek comrades joining in the quest to find McKeldin Mall.

Yes, there will be a few Maryland Basketball games to keep our minds occupied on what "TestudoTimes" is saying, yet I know that one website will not fulfill my need for brain stimulation on a 24/7 basis. With that in mind, I will need to figure out ways to keep all of us busy. Here are a few ideas that have been in brewing in “The Percolator.”

Go Bar Hopping (literally). Since there are only some remaining, this won’t be difficult seeing as two of them, Bentleys and Cornerstone are right next to each other.

Find the College Park Cuddler. This guy is giving our city a bad reputation. Additionally, it’s a tongue twister to say College Park Cuddler. Try it out.

Go Ice Skating across the ODK Fountain. This isn’t the most practical idea seeing as Maryland isn’t exactly Minnesota with regards to temperature. But Terps can always dream.

Construct a Zipline between 8 Fraternity row, Kiyoko and 7/11. Therefore, no one on the row will ever ever ever have to walk outside in the frigid cold weather.

After all these ideas fail, I’ll be left with nothing besides my college children. As a gay, my kids’ names are named after every queers’ favorite company; Pad, Mac, Touch and Nano. (Those last two aren’t so great). But hey, at least they’ll keep me occupied till everyone gets back to CP to start spring semester!