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Don't Look Now
Fellow Greeks, I am about to address a very serious concern. One so magnificent that it can’t be put off any longer. A problem so persistent that it afflicts an average student, an unhealthy amount, too many times a day. The issue I refer to of course is, the always awkward en route to class, pedestrian stare down. We all have been there. Guys and girls alike, the problem of where to stare while walking past a fellow peer is as confusing and strenuous as trying to come up with an essay topic for The Odyssey. Let's examine male-to-male encounters. The combinations of gaze direction have shown to be endless. When the impending guy approaches, both parties focus their energies on appearing ignorant to the each other’s presence. As the gap shortens, things get tricky. It has been my strategy to first look at the grass. I then shoot a quick glance back at the chap, then straight to a fictitious bird, guarding a fictitious nest, sometimes even in a fictitious tree. As he gets closer, the stakes get higher. I give the guy a quick glance. Eye contact! Cover blown. I then revert to my inevitable plan B of protecting my mother’s back by stealthily avoiding cracks. This mini battle of alpha male domination, in my opinion, is the bridge between the intellectual college student, and the poop-slinging baboon longing to get to the surface. By assuming the appropriate way to handle this situation is to stare into the very depths of your potential victim’s soul as they merrily walk to class, you are surely denying a million or so years of evolution. You may want to go back to sniffing rocks and eating flies. The second scenario is the male-to-female encounter, which may be an even more complex situation. Given the overabundance of attractive girls adorning our campus, sometimes it proves impossible not to stare. The bad news is, if you do not fight the urge, you look creepy or if the battle of fighting the urge becomes obvious, you look creepy. Do not take the following actions as advice on the matter for they have yet to land me a date, a salutation, or a dignifying action that acknowledges my very presence on this planet. I first like to start by looking directly over her shoulder, or somewhere in the vicinity of her face. The crafty female somehow manages to stair straight ahead at a fixed point. I can only assume this fixed point is her ultimate destination, but who has time to think when the neurons in your brain are firing in a glorious pattern that oddly resembles the word “procreation.” As we get closer and briefly enter one another’s sphere of personal space, the rare glimmer of eye contact is made. This dynamo of an event triggers my signature knee-jerk reaction. My futile, as-cool-as-a-spring-breeze smile. This of course is something I picked up from years of watching "The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air." If my suave smirk was a tree falling in the woods, I could promise you no one heard it. Girls, I know each of you is the cat's meow, but every now and then, make the world a better place and reciprocate a smile. The final situation is one I know nothing of except for in the deepest realms of my wonderment; The female-to- female encounter. Although I can imagine it has its hostile undertones, I like to imagine it ends in a tickle-filled, pajama pillow fight. As for the previously noted, it seems there is no cure for our innate insecurities and social awkwardness. However, there is certainly a quick fix to having to deal with this dilemma. By wearing Ray Ban sunglasses with reflective lenses and croakies, the threat of eye contact is effectively circumvented. These tinted windows for your eyes enhance your frat status, bolster your level of mystery, and protect your retinas from harmful UV rays. In addition to the obvious benefits, with these tools of concealment you can stare all you like. Just as a caveat for those on the receiving end to this solution, you’re probably being stared at.
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