How to NOT Be a Schmuck

Jared Slater
Alpha Epsilon Pi

Warning: If being a schmuck is working out for you, and you have accepted that you will not get terribly far in life, then DO NOT READ THIS.

Previously, we discussed proper “morning after” etiquette. In this week’s edition, I’d like to veer away from the dating scene and widen our scope to the social scene, specifically for the men of our Greek community.

Perception makes up most of our realities. If you see a shabbily dressed man that hasn’t seen a barber in months sitting on a curb or in a doorway in Westwood, chances are you won’t associate with him. The same idea holds true for the people you see around campus. Now, most of us typically don’t let ourselves go unwashed and wear the same clothes day in and day out, but people (especially women) notice many of the finer details of our appearance, and, because it’s the first impression we give, even before we open our mouths and introduce ourselves, it’s pretty important we get this right.

Shave: I know guys; I hate shaving as much as you do. But, for some reason, girls just like it when they don’t have to rub their hands against sandpaper, or get their fingers tangled up in mass growths on our faces. Try to make it a habit of getting rid of that Miami Vice look every morning. If you wouldn’t arrive with some scruff to a job interview, when you have to impress someone, why would you look worse for someone you actually want to impress? (Proper job interview tactics will be covered in the next edition of How to NOT be a Schmuck).

Belts: As difficult as it is to root around for an extra two minutes everyday, wear a belt with those jeans guys. Saggy pants and the full show of exactly which type of underwear you chose to wear that day went out about ten years ago. If you have pants that fit, great. But if you have been going to the gym and have been losing some of that beer belly lately, please wear a belt. Not only does it save those of us walking behind you from an losing our lunches but also it will keep you from having to hike up your jeans whenever they threaten to fall past your knees.

Smile: There is a great quote out there that goes, “Smile, it confuses people”. It’s honestly true, guys. Would you rather talk to someone who wore a smile or who kept a straight face when you met him or her for the first time? In one of my discussion sections, for example, my T.A. always calls me out for “smiling in class”. After all, it’s a comparative literature discussion, what could be so exciting? Frankly, nothing. But not only did smiling attract attention, but also people felt more inclined to be conversational both in and out of the classroom. Now, I’m not saying walk around with a plastic grin on your face 24/7, but at least try to smile more often when you are in a social environment. People do notice and they will feel more at ease when they talk to you.

So now, once the appearances have done their thing, the conversation starts, bringing me to my last point.

Pay Attention:

All too often, when we meet someone new the introductions go something like this: “Hi, I’m Jared.” “I’m Ashley, nice to meet you,” and then we go on talking, usually following with the pleasantries. About five minutes into the conversation you have a vague idea of the other person’s name and basic information (where they are from, their major, etc). Usually, we are so interested in telling the other person our life story that we totally ignore what he or she is saying as we smile and nod our way through the conversation, waiting for them to stop talking so we can interject an anecdote, about ourselves. In my experience, people (especially girls) love it when guys actually pay attention to what they have to say. I know we, as guys, want to focus on spitting our game while chatting up a girl we just met but I promise she will be more impressed if you can remember her name and hometown by the end of the conversation.

Little things do get noticed guys. The more effort you put into cultivating your appearance and mannerisms, the more attractive you will be to the world at large.

Jared Slater is a sophomore studying psychology. You may contact him at jslater311@ucla.edu.