Hey you.

It’s been a while since we last talked. I’m not sure what your life is like these days; where you are, where you’re going -- it’s all unknown to me. And while that’s sad, it’s what needed to happen.

When the person you fell for isn’t the same person you start to fall away from, you have to realize and accept that they served their purpose in your life and it’s time to move forward. That realization may be pretty simple, it’s discovering what purpose they served and completed, that is the hard part.

So it’s taken me some time, a lot of thought and a lot of grief, but I’ve found you taught me all I needed to know about love; that was your purpose, and now I guess it’s time I thanked you for that.

First off, thank you for showing me what it’s like to feel so deeply, and to fight for something when you think it’s worth it, because that is all a part of loving someone. I have to thank you further though, for teaching me the distinction between feeling deeply in a healthy way and in an unhealthy way.

With us it was an all-consuming love, and that’s not the kind of "love" we should strive for. Nothing should consume you to the point that you can’t function with or without it, and I never would’ve learned that without you. So thank you for being so passionate, so consuming, so complicated -- now I know that I never want to love like that again.

I never want to feel inadequate, and I never want to waste my time trying to live up to an expectation that just isn’t possible.

If I’m really in love and loved in return, feeling “deeply” will mean love is unconditional, and fighting for something will mean pushing each other to be the best versions of ourselves rather than to be something we have never been.

So yes, I want to love as deeply as I loved you, but I want it to be a love that comes from a place of security, not dependency -- and I never would have learned the distinction without you, and for that I am grateful.

Secondly, thank you for pushing me to figure out who I was, and who I wanted to be. Beyond that, thank you for not accepting the person that I discovered as myself so that I could find someone who does.

With you I thought I was who I "needed" to be, but really I was just who you wanted for me to be. Since that ideal and my actual self didn’t align, I was always left feeling inadequate, like I needed to try harder or be better. So I tried to convince myself that I was meant to be someone that I simply am not, and that façade tore us apart. I’m sorry for my dishonesty and for thinking that love meant being what each other needed, when all love ever really was was being who we are and THAT being what we needed all along.

So I need you to know that I will always love the person that you are, but I will never love the person I was when I was with you. I will find love with someone who pushes me to figure out who I am, but they will accept whoever I find, and I never would’ve seen that difference if it weren’t for you. So thank you for wanting me to be someone else; ironically, it brought me one step closer to finding myself.

I’m sure by now this all sounds pretty condescending, maybe like a punch at you. What’s funny though is if you knew me -- which from previous statements I’m sure you can infer that that's up for debate -- you would know that I truly am thankful for all you taught me.

The thing is we don’t learn from standing on the fringes, but rather diving into life and all its chaos. Our kind of love was chaotic, it was deep, it was all-consuming, it was unhealthy -- but it was also beautiful in that it brought us to where we are now.

Our kind of love was necessary, necessary for finding the love we actually deserve to receive and want to give, and because of that I wouldn’t change a thing. I did love you, and you did love me. We were just too immature at the time to do that properly.

So let me close this by saying that I hope you find someone you don’t want to change, someone who is strong enough to be herself with you. There will always be days when I wish I could be that girl, but then I will remember that was not our purpose in each other’s lives. Our purpose was to teach each other how to love and let go.

So I’m letting you go find the love of your life, the girl you won’t want to change, who won’t want to change you -- and I wish you the very best.

Sincerely,

Your first "love," your first lesson